Sometimes I seek comfort in my cards. I do small readings, pull a card or just shuffle a deck I love, looking for a small measure of peace, for a glimmer of hope.Sometimes... it doesn't work.
Damn it!
At times, despite my best intentions of being a good student of life, I feel frustrated at the apparent lack of purpose in everything. My cards keep telling to cultivate serenity, to be calm, to stay hopeful, to seek healing and acceptance because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Oh really? Even if it's true, the point is that right now every little thing is being lousy. And my cards are basically telling me to wait for things to get better while nourishing my inner Buddha.
How about that good ol' advice of "not living in the future"? About the present being "the only time you can do anything"? Oh no... the secret is to wait, stay calm and trust the future. Wonderful advice, very comforting knowing that someday, if I am still alive, if I am lucky and if I become spiritually enlightened enough, things may improve. That gives me a lot to work with right now.
I know I'll regret this post someday, but I want to vent. I am angry, I am sad and it seems nothing can be done about it except waiting for Godot.
If anything, this situation is cementing my hopelessness.
I really hope I never fall in love again.
Love seems to be an unfair contract that we sign blindfolded by elusive promises. The happiness it brings is intense but fleeting, and it always ends in searing pain -- at least for one of the people involved.
Maybe this is not the lesson the "universe" wanted me to learn, but either I am a bad student or the "universe" is a bad teacher. I don't see how anyone feeling what I am feeling right now could come to a different conclusion.
I suppose a broken heart is like a broken porcelain vase. Though you may glue the pieces back together, the cracks will always show. It'll always be a damaged vessel.
Oh yes, I wish I could deliver a speech full of peaceful wisdom and acceptance, but I have not a jot of peace nor wisdom in my heart right now. As for acceptance, it's reluctant at best because I have no choice. In any case, corny harangues only work for those who are at the top of Fortune's wheel.
*sigh*
But you know, I realize it's not the cards. It's me. Nothing can comfort me right now.
Well, in terms of cards and trying to get some kind of helpful/comforting advice, I'd say maybe try with a different deck? I find that for things like that, different decks do have 'voices' that differ, and sometimes for me its about finding the deck that is telling me what i need to hear in the way that i need to hear it to really connect with the message at the current moment, and that's not always necessarily the same deck...
ReplyDeleteYes, I could try using other decks and see if I can get a more proactive advice from them. Well, I *am* guilty of wanting to get "he still loves you and soon you'll be together again" as an answer, but I know this will not happen.
DeleteStill, I'd like to be able to do something instead of being told to wait until time does it job... Which is the #1 advice everyone has for a heartbroken person.
Now I wish one of my decks would jump on me and say "use me, I can help you". Too much wishful thinking on my part, lol!
Well, you know what Kaph always said: The cards don't present a problem without presenting a solution. If acheiving serenity is the problem, perhaps some creative interpretation can also show you ways they are nudging you to get there.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to have a broken heart, darlin. Perhaps the patience is not with the universe, it's with yourself. You will heal, but you need to give yourself time.
You are right, perhaps I have not tried to see the most constructive potential of each cards. As I said, I realize that my own vision is a bit negative right now, which makes it even harder for me to see the cards' positive side.
DeleteI know I need to give myself time, but I wish so much I could do something practical about it. I am not very good at waiting, lol!, but I suppose I don't have much choice...
Marina, I also agree with the others about letting time heal you. But I also agree with you, don't just stand around. At the end of James Ricklef's book, Tarot Tells the Tale, he does a reading for a woman (Anna Leowens) who loses her husband. The reading he did for her does somewhat echo the direction you are trying to find in your life at this time. If you do have this book, you might find some inspiration or help from the reading.
ReplyDeleteIn trying to deal with the pain of heartache myself, I was someone who used to wear my heart on my sleeve, investing in relationships too much and too soon. I basically killed myself for people who turned out not to care as much about me as I thought.
In the end, I tell myself to be ready for anything, mourn the loss if it ends, but don't suffer for anyone. This, as I said, was a very hard lesson for me to learn. I do hope you are able to find the peace you seek soon. Take care... M
I used to have this book a long time ago, but I gave it away to a friend who fell in love with it. Now I am very curious about this reading you mentioned, because I cannot recall it... I'll see if I can find another copy of the book!
DeleteI know I need to let time do its job, but my Choleric nature wants to be able to do something, do find a way to forget the pain. Of course, the truth is that whenever I stop to take a breath, it comes back very strongly which shows I am mostly numbing myself through action, and not really healing myself...
I am sorry you are going through a heartache too! It's so awful... everyone says we come stronger out of such situations, and I don't doubt it. But the process of getting back on your feet and rediscovering this strength... is a difficult task indeed!
If you're interested, you could still check out the King and I or Anna Leonowens' biography at the library or on the internet. Sorry forgot to mention this. Anyway, please hang in there. This will pass and you will perhaps understand things a little bit better.
ReplyDeleteI watched the movie "King and I", but I will definitely look for the biography as you suggested! I truly hope to gain more understanding from this situation, as well as to develop some inner strength. It'll take some time, but this too shall pass... :-)
DeleteI am so sorry. I want to say something comforting, but for now I just want to honor your pain. I know it's intense and real. I'm in a foul mood today (not really worth explaining, but anyway--hah!) for various reasons relating to my severe anxiety issues, and I find myself telling myself useless things like, 'why was I even conceived by my parents?' Seriously I ask myself this question too many times.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I appreciate you and I am sorry you are feeling this level of pain.
Warm hugs...
MM
It's okay, MM! Just getting all these friendly messages from wonderful people makes me feel a bit more comforted. I am a very anxious person, and in the days followed my heartbreak I was in such a state I would not eat nor sleep properly, because I was so anxious! I know how it feels, it's horrible. I often feel guilty for not having done enough or for not being good enough for that person, even though rationally I know a relationship is not made by one person but by two people, together...
DeleteThank you for your lovely message! <3 The important is that you are here!